"I'm beautiful in my way ‘cause God makes no mistakes."
- Lady Gaga
"Obsession is a young man's game, and my only excuse is that I never grew old."
- Michael Caine
Question: What do Batman, umbrellas, Marilyn Monroe and retired pharmaceuticals of the 1950s all have in common?
Answer: At one time or another I was hopelessly obsessed with them.
The topic of my obsessive focus has changed countless times over the years. My odd and all-consuming fixations began to manifest themselves when I was roughly three years old. Between then and now (I am currently 24 years old) I have permanently committed to memory more random factual information than most people could hope to forget in their entire lifetime.
In the third grade, despite being previously illiterate, I read my first novel, an unabridged copy of Victor Hugo's The Hunchback of Notre Dame. In fifth grade, when other children were starting to whisper of oncoming sexual awakening, I was incapable of discussing anything but German expressionism in silent cinema. Were it legally condoned, my private Christian high school would likely have had me burned at the stake for continually turning our daily Bible studies into discussions of psychedelic drugs, Friedrich Nietzsche or the music of Bob Dylan.
Though I had no problem plowing through the works of James Joyce entirely of my own accord, I rarely turned in my homework. I could not learn to drive or even throw a baseball. I didn't seem to understand the difference between making friends and taking hostages. My obsessions were preventing me from developing healthy life-skills. This is because, then unknown to myself or my exasperated family, I have Asperger Syndrome...
Discovering, only recently, that I'm an Aspie has been a startling revelation, an explanation for all my preoccupations, idiosyncrasies and private fears. So what now?
Apparently, it is not good enough that I've endured 24 years of autistic delirium - according to my therapist, I'm supposed to do something about it. Well, no one said life is fair - anyone who did was most likely a neurotypical (I love the lingo... neurotypical is to the autism spectrum as muggle is to Harry Potter).
In order to boost my motivation, my therapist was kind enough to throw me a bone (contrary to popular belief, Aspies are capable of understanding and using metaphors... at least I am, though I must admit, this one is pretty silly). She offered me my own little blog here on this website. If you're an Aspie yourself or have an "active but odd" kiddo at home, then I'm sure you already know how motivating "special attention" can be.
This blog will allow me to keep a record of my personal growth and share my struggles and victories with the autistic community at large. The public perception of autism continues to be limited and largely negative. Awareness of autism being relatively fresh, of Asperger Syndrome even more so, many adults remain undiagnosed. So what happens when an adult is diagnosed? Suddenly given a context for the confusion and struggle of an entire lifetime, what steps must then be taken in order for the newly diagnosed adult to make the most of their future?
If you expect to find an answer in this, my first blog entry, I'm afraid you will be disappointed. I don't have the answers or even all of the questions. However, I welcome you to join me on my journey, checking back each week as I grow and learn (fingers crossed).
As you have probably gathered, my therapist and I have recently been discussing obsessions and potential strategies for managing them. Obsessions can be a wonderful asset. They can also be counterproductive or even downright destructive. They have been the driving force behind my greatest accomplishments yet have often prevented me from maturing properly. Entirely too often my obsessions have quite literally threatened my life.
This week we discussed my frequent habit of allowing my obsessions to dominate conversations and sabotage potentially beneficial social situations. A conversation between me and an acquaintance might go a little something like this...
Me: How have you been?
Acquaintance: Stressed but OK.
Me: Stressed? Do you have generalized anxiety disorder?
Acquaintance: Um... what?
Me: What does your shrink say?
Acquaintance: I don't see a...
Me: (getting excited and interrupting) If you have an anxiety disorder you could look into benzodiazepines, though they really aren't suggested for long-term use. SSRIs, or Selective-Serotonin-Reuptake-Inhibitors, may be a better choice, although the side-effects can be difficult...
At this point the acquaintance has firmly resolved to remain an acquaintance if not a complete stranger. I guess it is inappropriate to discuss potential psychiatric disorders and medications with people you hardly know.
Similarly, certain topics which I may find fascinating may be offensive to others (sex and religion come to mind). It seems that neurotypicals are not necessarily concerned with whether or not something is factual or statistical - statements may be considered offensive regardless of how valid they are. Being the brilliant educator of the socially inept that I know her to be, I was not surprised by how effectively my therapist illustrated this point. She told me that just because someone is fat, does not mean it is appropriate to declare them fat. I caught onto that bit of social etiquette some time ago (I believe it was explained to me rather directly in the first grade). Neurotypicals have the ability to take one such social rule and learn apply it to a variety of situations. I, however, had no idea that I was breaking the same social rule repeatedly in my adult life during conversations like this one...
Acquaintance: I was in church the other day when...
Me: (getting excited and interrupting) Are you a Christian?! Do you realize the Bible is filled with historical inaccuracies, philosophical contradictions, sexism and homophobia? Did you know Matthew, Mark, Luke and John were not in fact written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and John but by a variety of authors with questionable political intentions some 400 odd years after the supposed authors were dead? Are you sure you want to be a Christian? Do you take any psychiatric medications? Do you know you're fat?
There is a reason I seem to have more acquaintances than friends. How did I go 24 years without realizing how obnoxious I am? Suffice it to say, I have a great deal to learn. I'm truly an idiot savant. I have both social and emotional deficits often overlooked due to my intelligence and verbosity. I'm not emotionally attached to many ideas. If it holds up to logical scrutiny I may very well run with it, my obsessiveness blinding me to obvious social protocol. Likewise if an idea does not hold up logically I may become violently dismissive.
Hopefully, with patience, persistence and the help of an excellent therapist (Hi Connie) I can finally learn to hold a normal conversation. I'm sure I have many more mistakes awaiting me but I will learn from them. Sometimes autism is embarrassing. Sometimes autism hurts. Sometimes I wish, for one moment, I could be anyone but myself. Then I remember that God doesn't make mistakes. I know I have a special purpose. When things get rough, I will rest assured that at the end of the day, exhausted by my herculean efforts to keep my foot out of my mouth... I can still look back in laughter.
